About two weeks ago I was living my normal, every day life and also I was SURE I was pregnant. My husband and I had been trying for two years, one year ago we had a miscarriage but still to this day no baby. But I felt more than I ever had before that I was pregnant and God was finally giving me my turn. After almost every single friend I have has become pregnant, some even on their third, it was finally going to be my turn.

Fast forward a short two weeks and I am, turns out, not pregnant and now my husband and I are planning to take a separation (I like the way that sounds more than “we’re separating”) we are planning on selling our house, splitting what’s left after we pay off debts, then I will be packing what I want in my car along with one of the dogs and driving across the country by myself to go stay with my oldest sister and her two kids in California.

Needless to say it’s been a whirlwind two weeks, more specifically 5 days, that’s how long it’s been since we had the first conversation about the possible separation. I have never had so many emotions running through me. Anger, extreme sadness, confusion, hopefulness, anxious, excited, scared, embarrassed, ashamed, these are some of the many emotions going on in my crazy brain. It’s a very long story of how we got here so if you are interested stay along on this journey with me to find out.

I haven’t quite figured out how I am going to write this blog. I’ve considered writing in each post a little on the current happenings of where I am at and also a little about how I got here, until one kinda of catches up with the other but I am not totally sure.

I do know for sure that every post I want to dedicate a song and/or a bible verse. God and music are two things that I am most passionate about. God obviously comes first and music probably comes after my family and friends but you get the point. I am not musically gifted in any sense. I of course took the obligatory piano lessons as a kid that I hated and then I played the clarinet in the middles school and high school band (dork alert!) but was not very good at all. But I am absolutely great at listening to music. Music can make me have all sorts of feels. Without even listening specifically to the lyrics it can make me cry, dance, get int he “mood”, or feel joy ect.

This first post’s song dedication is “Mess is mine” by Vance Joy. It’s a song that for the past few months I would hear and think to myself that I really needed to look up who sings that and listen to it on Spotify. It took me a while to do but eventually I did and it was about 2 weeks ago I started listening to it. The whole album ‘dream your life away’ has been my sound track during all this mess. Mostly the album makes me cry, it’s not super sad but it’s the kind of music that when you are already sad can just make you wanna ball your eyes out. Maybe that’s just me though. “Mess of mine” makes me sad because it is about two people in a relationship that except the other’s mess. That’s something I can say I definitely did for my husband but not sure he did for me. In his case he had literal mess (which I constantly had to clean up after) and figurative mess. He had no/bad credit so we bought a house completely in my name along with financing furniture, buying two cars ect… I took all the financial risks and didn’t complain because that’s what you do for the one you love more than any other. But any who, I just think it’s an amazing song that just happens to make me said because it reminds me what I did not have in a relationship.

So due to the length of this first post and my desire to not bore you (the possible one reader I may ever have of this blog) to death, I am going to end it hear. Stay tuned…