Song dedication: “Break my Heart” by Alex Preston

Bible verse: Psalms 126:5 Those who reap in tears will harvest in shouts of joy.

 

So about a week and a half ago I found out I was not pregnant, after being so sure that I was. This was probably about the 20th time that this has happened and this time just like the rest I become extremely sad. I have to say that this time I may have been a little more sad than I had in the past. Now it would be so nice if when I was sad like this, I could confide in my husband. I could cry and he would hold me and say the right words to make me feel better. But for me this doesn’t happen. I don’t know exactly why but I’ve never been able to confide in him when I’m sad. Nor does he confide in me.

So a little before this happened my husband had a sales conference in Nashville. The conference was from a Monday to Thursday then two friends and I drove down on Thursday and stayed the weekend. The whole time I was their I felt a million miles away from him. We were with each other but couldn’t have felt more apart. It’s not like we didn’t talk at all when we were apart or that I thought he did anything bad like cheat but I did know (because he talked about it non stop) how much he drank during the conference due to open bars every night. He made about 100 comments about it that really annoyed the crap out of me. Now, I am a Christian but I don’t believe there is anything wrong with moderate drinking but I do believe getting wasted is not exactly what God wants of us. So it’s not like I’m totally in love with the fact that my husband, while away from me, is getting super wasted everynight in the city of Nashville.

Despite the distance, I managed to enjoy myself in Nashville. An interesting event that happened one night as we were out at the Honkey Tonk Central. At one point I couldn’t find my friend. I asked her husband where she was and he said she’s outside with this drunk guy who got kicked out of the bar. I thought at first that that seemed crazy but I decided to go out and see what was going on. So this kid, 23 we figured out, was so drunk he puked all over the bar and himself so they kicked him out. He was barely coherent, but he could nod his head and answer some questions. But he was all alone, his phone was almost dead, he wasn’t from there, it was freezing and he didn’t have a coat on and he could barely move and was just sitting there with his head down and drooling. So when my friend’s husband first saw this he and said “we gotta help that guy.” People kept walking by just wanting to take selfies with him. No one cared that he might get robbed or left there to freeze all night. So we contacted his cousin from his phone and she was 45 minutes away but she came and picked him up and we stayed out there till she got there. But honestly being able to show God’s love to someone that night meant a lot to me. We go out to this city and indulge in food, indulge in drinking to pleasure ourselves and usually I’m not thinking about God at all, I’m too wrapped up in myself. So it was so nice to be able to stop for an hour of just trying to have fun for yourself and do something that no one else is willing to do for someone who desperately needed it. He called us and left us a message thanking us the next day. I kinda wish we would have texted him a bible verse or something inspirational because judging by how much he drank, he probably needed a little Jesus in his life.

But back to my husband and I, we get back from Nashville and the distance between us is still there. So as you can imagine when I realize I am not pregnant and am sad and can’t confide in my own husband the distance gets worse and worse and I keep getting sadder and sadder. There’s days at work that I’ve been the middle of working and my mind wonders to my life and I have to fight back the tears. Not to mention at this time I have bronchitis and feel terrible so this isn’t helping the sadness. Yet I still can not talk to my own husband about why I am so sad. I feel like I have no one to talk to. Of course I have sisters and friends but I can’t talk to anyone else about my sadness. The whole, not being able to get pregnant thing is something that is so hard to talk to people about. For many reasons.

So finally one day he can tell that something is wrong because he asked me if I was mad at him. I said I wasn’t mad and that I’ve been really sad lately and that we can talk about it later. This usually helps me because then I am committed to talking about it. So that night he gets home kinda late from where he went so I got out of talking about it for that night because it was late and I was tired but the next night we start talking about it. I tell him how distant I’ve felt from him lately and he just comes out and says that he feels like he can never live up to my expectations for what my husband should be and that he feels he will never be able to make me truly happy and that I deserve more than what he can give me. He admitted to being selfish and taking me for granted and told me I’m “awesome” and that I deserve better. He said this after I mentioned that I am happy most of the time, that I don’t rely on him for my happiness that I get my joy from the Lord, I would just need him to do just a little bit more, like if he things I’m awesome I just need him to tell me once in a while. He said that this distance thing between us has happened several times (which it has) and that we’ve had conversations about it and even did counseling once (I’ll do a post about this later) and that every time he tries for a while to do better but then just goes back to the way he usually is. That it always feels forced and never natural and that it shouldn’t be that way. We talked about how much he has changed since we got married and that he is not making God a priority in his life at all. He said when we met he didn’t know who he was, he was still figuring that out and now he knows who he is. (which I guess is someone that says they are a Christian but doesn’t want to act like) So after this conversation I asked him what he wanted to do about all this and he just kept saying he didn’t know. The weird thing was is that I was a lot less sad then I thought I would be talking about even the possibility of not trying to work on things and the hint of splitting up. I think after 7 years of not truly feeling loved by the one person who should love me most has really taken it’s toll on me. I think on one hand it really has pushed and taught me to rely on God for my joy and happiness, but to an extent your husband has to do some of that. And I was being honest when I said I was mostly happy cause we get along great, we really do love each other, we hardly ever fight or argue, but it’s almost us not fighting that’s the problem. We aren’t emotionally invested in each other enough to even fight about things. When I’m sad I usually just try and rely on God because he does give me joy and happiness. So we don’t come to any conclusions that night and go to sleep.

The next day I get to work and I obviously had been crying on the way to work as everything is sinking in and I just tell my coworkers I must have allergies…I’m sure they knew better. I text my husband this day and tell him that I don’t accept that “I deserve better”, that if he doesn’t love me enough to try and make things work that there’s nothing I can do about it. But that I’m not gonna give up and that I’m willing to do anything to make it work. I told him not to text me back and that we could just talk about it later. So it’s later and were talking and I told him that I think it would be best either way to talk to Cecil. (The best counselor in the world that’s a friend of my dad who I have used recently on an issue with my dad, we can get in to that later) He agrees to talk to Cecil. Then I tell him that the only way I think we can work things out is if we completely rely on God. We need to put him in the center of us and use him to help us gain this emotional connection and I asked him if he was willing to do this and he said he didn’t know. At that point I felt very not hopeful for us. I kind of needed to hear a yes at that point to have any hope. He pretty much told me that although he does love me he has never been able to have an emotional connection with me. I agree to the face that there has been an emotional disconnect since the beginning but that it was more him than me, that if he opened up to me I would be able to do the same with him. Again, nothing really gets decided, except to talk to Cecil before doing anything.

That night I couldn’t fall asleep which becomes a regular thing for the next few days. I kept thinking about this plan and I couldn’t help but feel a peace and happiness in my heart…to be continued…

The song dedication is pretty self explanatory. It’s a pretty awesome break up song. You should just listen to it. Especially if you are breaking up with someone.

The bible verse is one that came up in my readings this week. It’s pretty awesome. My interpretation is that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I may have plenty of tears now but if I stay steadfast in the Lord there will be shouts of joy in my future. And that is pretty freaking awesome!