Song: “Wasting Water” by Conner Zwetsch -Represents how I feel about my life, that its been raining on me for most of it…

Bible verse: 1 Thessalonians 5:18 …give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Chris Jesus for you. -This is very challenging for me right now but I won’t stop trying…

 

So that night I couldn’t sleep and I stayed up thinking of this plan. I thought since we couldn’t get a divorce until we have been separated for one year that we might as well take a separation. Maybe it will make him realize he really does really love me or it will make us (me) realize we (I) can actually be truly happy with other people. So I come up with this plan for us to sell the house, pay off our debt and take the left over money and I’m going to drive across the country to live with my sister. I just assumed she would let me live with her, which turns out she will. I’m going to first stop in Florida to visit my other sister, then I’ll stop in Austin, then the Grand Canyon with the final destination being Monterrey, CA. There I can start fresh. I can hopefully get a good job, join a new church and hopefully meet someone that truly loves me for me. I figured I would have a much easier time meeting someone in CA being that people seems to start families later there and there seems to be more single people. I just couldn’t even imaging living in the same town being separated from my husband. The thought of him with another girl makes me sick to my stomach. I pictured seeing each other on tinder (not that I would join tinder) and how weird that would be. Plus he has a much better chance of meeting someone here than I do. There are much more single girls in their 20s than there are Christian single men in their 30s. So the thought of this new plan was the only thing that was bringing me a little happiness and hope.

The next day we go bowling with his brother and friends for his brother’s birthday. He doesn’t hold back on his new habit of smoking cigarettes and of course I love that. (sense the sarcasm) We barely speak the whole time. On the way home I tell him my plan. All he can say is “I’m sorry for ruining your life” and I take that as he is fine with my plan. I tell him he should be sorry. That lucky for him I love the Lord and will forgive him. I tell him that I feel like he used God when he needed him and now he doesn’t need him so he’s throwing him away. I feel like he’s doing the same thing to me. I supported him for years when he didn’t know what he wanted to do and while he worked in ministry but now that he has a good job (not that ministry isn’t a goo job) and his life is more together he can finally toss me aside. He of course said that that’s not how it is but I don’t really believe him.I told him at least I can look back and be happy that I tried and gave 100% to this relationship, that I did all I could. He’s the one that wasted 7 years of my life possibly ruining my chance of ever having a family. I got so mad at him in the car ride. I just wish he could have been honest with me or would just be honest with me now. He still acts like this is for me when it’s really just for him.

Through out this situation God does bring me peace and joy but I still have a lot of anger towards my husband. Why couldn’t he have just been honest and told me a long time ago that he didn’t really love me? Why couldn’t he have let me go when I still had a better chance at finding someone else? Why did he even ask me to marry him if he had no emotional connection with me? Why did he have to do this to me? Haven’t I been through enough in my life? How can he be ok with doing this to someone? What kind of horrible monster does this? You meet a girl who has lost her mom at 12 years old and had to deal with a lot in her life and you think it’s a good idea to get married to her when you can’t even be there for her to confide in? What kind of evil person would do that? When I let my thoughts get away from me like this it makes me feel like he is a terrible terrible person. I don’t know if that’s the truth but it’s how I feel. But on the other hand I feel like my chances of finding anyone better are so small that I almost just want to stay in this terrible situation, not that that’s even a choice for me. My mind is obviously very confused and very hurt.

The next day we meet his family for a birthday dinner gathering. It’s pretty awkward when his mom talks about our future babies that there will never be. It think that this is probably the last time I will ever be at a family function and no one but me and him know that. I wish I could tell everyone bye and that I will miss them but I can’t. His mom is coming over (current time) tomorrow for us to tell her the news….