Song dedication: “ID” by Charlie Allen – I don’t really know what this song is about. I do love the sound of it and his voice. Also one lyric stands out to me. He says “And I know that even Christ’s communion wine goes sour.” Now this may even be a sacrilegious song, I really can’t tell. But I believe everyone can have their own interpretation of a song no matter what the author intends. But this lyric reminds me of my husbands fleeting faith. He once was on fire for the Lord now he’s as Luke warm as they come, maybe leaning towards cold. 

Verse: James 1:2-4 – Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete that you may be lacking in nothing. – I pray that God gives me the strength to stay steadfast in the Lord through all of this. Only this and the Lord can make me perfect and complete. 

So the next few days after that family dinner we just kind of go about our lives like normal except not having any intimacy. We go to work, come home, watch our shows and even sleep in the same bed. We just aren’t saying “I love you” or kissing ect. It’s very weird. If he seems sad I wonder if he’s changed his mind and if he looks happy I thinking about him being happier without me and it tears me up inside. I’m so conflicted because on one hand I want to feel loved so bad I’m so ready for us to move on and on the other hand I just wish so badly that he could have truly loved me in the first place. 

So Thursday I have my first conversation with my counselor. I have the worst anxiety leading up to it because as soon as I tell another person it becomes more real. I tell him about everything that has happened up until this point and my plan of moving. It’s so hard to talk about I’m crying the whole time. My counselor gives me some things to ask and talk about with Travis and he plans to talk to him Monday. But he says it seems like by what I tell him that he’s maybe never been in love with me. I tell him how I never have felt truly loved or that he has ever been really attracted to me. But he says he likes my plan of moving. And he gave me more of a peace about this split up. My counselor is truely a man of God so when he seems to be ok with this it really helps me to let go of any guilt I had. 

So later that day I ask my husband per my counselor “If I didn’t care about being a Christian and just said lets do whatever you want, what would our life look like?” He could not give me an answer. Not surprising. He can’t even be honest with me in a hypothetical. Then I ask him if he’s ever been in love with me and he said he still loves me. I said that is different than being in love with me and asked him again and he said yes, he was in love with me in the past. I don’t really feel this conversation going anywhere so we just kind of end it and go on to watch TV like friends who sleep in the same bed and happened to be married. 

So two days after that his mom comes over so we can tell her. We eat breakfast then I eye to Travis to get on with it. He tells her that him and I have decided to separate. She asks why. He tells her that we have grown apart and have different priorities. I can’t lie, I was interested to see how he would word it. I also then realize why he offered to tell her on his own and I’m glad I insisted on being there. I don’t think he would have emphasized that this is his decision and not mine. That I wanted to do anything needed to make this work. He wanted to tell his mom in a way that made him not look like the bad guy. But since I don’t let this happen and tell her my side she starts trying to tell Travis that we need to try and fix this, that we are no longer in the honey moon stage, that marriage takes hard work and her and her husband are proof of that. Travis tell her that we aren’t emotionally connected and she says she doesn’t even know what that means, he tells her about how when he went to Nashville he could be himself but when I came he couldn’t. She told him it sounded like he just wanted to party and he started to get mad and told her that wasn’t it. There were a lot of words exchanged and I even went upstairs at one point to let them talk because he said we were ganging up on him because aparently my comments were not needed, that he would have eventually told her all the facts (which I don’t believe)  While I was upstairs I could hear them and she got so mad at him that she stormed out. Her and I texted throughout the day and she was so nice and it helped to feel like she was on my side with this. She was obviously so heart broken and she said my father-in-law was upset and cried when she told him. My husband hasn’t talked to either of his parents still and it’s been a week currently since we told them.